Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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