im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
