apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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