watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
