just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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