Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
