I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize