I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
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His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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