god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.