my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
