I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.