11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
