Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.