we're chasing vodka with high fives
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
