I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
