Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
