They should really pass out barf bags in church
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
