I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
