We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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