we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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