So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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