Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
