So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
