I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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