I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize