the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
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These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
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And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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