First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
