you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
