I skipped work to stalk him.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
