You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
