the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
