Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
its liver damage thursday
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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