ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
