no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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