Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
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Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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