1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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