i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
