I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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