Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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