i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We got so high we made milksteak
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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