If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
