i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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