so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
