Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He shit in the fireplace
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
