YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
