So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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