Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you have to choose: penises or morals?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
