I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
