I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
