I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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