Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
