would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
