I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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