So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
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How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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