Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
